The Unpublished Files

IMG_7012It’s been one of those weeks. And definitely one of those days. Should I scream or cry or punch a wall-kind of day.

Motherhood is important and beautiful and lonely and hard.

I wrote a post earlier today venting my frustrations. But I couldn’t hit publish. And I’m glad I didn’t.

And it’s not because I want to put my best foot forward or have an enviable life. It’s because I don’t like that part of my heart. I don’t want to capture and remember my hard heart toward my children. The part that is not gracious or loving or patient at all.

My frustration is equal parts with my children and with myself. I wish I could handle things differently. I wish I could handle things the best way. With true patience and not fake patience. And my prayer is that they will feel love in spite of me.

So instead of publishing every detail of what went wrong about this week, I lay on the floor and listened to this song,

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever.

5 thoughts on “The Unpublished Files

  1. Well said, my friend. I appreciate your honesty. “My frustration is equal parts with my children and with myself” resonates greatly with me. Praying for you!

  2. Very matoor (as gingi pronounces it) to put a cap on the draining feelings/facts and instead find a way that you can bask in Jesus’ presence a little. He refreshes and revives. (Also, you are a good photographer. So at least you have that.)

  3. I’m with Ellie – you need to enter that photo in a contest, with the little legs hanging off and the band-aid on Rob’s knee that seems to be placed by big sister. So poignant! Hang in there and don’t be too hard on yourself. Motherhood is taxing every day when they’re little.

  4. Sometimes when I read your blog, especially the posts where you dig deep into your feelings and are the most real, I think, “That is how I want to parent”. Even on the hard days your love for the Lord is so incredibly present and visible. It is comforting to know that such a wonderful mother still struggles with the same things I struggle with. I am so thankful that God gives us a few years, that they will most likely never remember, to learn how best to control and manage ourselves as we learn to parent these precious ones, that drive us absolutely BONKERS with “equal parts” frustration and elation! I’m so glad we have become friends! Praying for you!

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